I could share an identical story with my husband as with my close girlfriend and engage in completely separate and distinct conversations. Their reactions to the narrative are based on their unique life experience as well as their understanding of me within the relationship. I find this fascinating. No two relationships are based on the same interpretation of me. I am essentially a different person to every one of my significant others. There are elements of my portrayal of self that I choose to share with my husband which I do not share with others. As there are intimate conversations that occur between sisters or longtime girlfriends that my husband will never know. This is not secret keeping but more of a subconscious distribution of my personality.

I feel like this is done as a means of protection or security. I know that at least one person in my life will have understood me in a way that will protect me physically, emotionally, spiritually if ever an infinite amount of “shit hitting the fan” instances occurs.

The kicker here is one’s knowledge of self. If I were not totally honest and candid in my interactions with my significant others I would be portraying myself falsely within the relationships. I would be essentially creating a character which would inevitably cross into some element of fiction. If not bounded by acknowledgment of the imagination the false representation could manifest itself in reality potentially creating a ripple effect of false portrayals of my principles.

Being honest all the time is difficult especially when there are traits which we would rather hide from everyone – even ourselves. But I’ve been pleasantly surprised lately when practicing openness to find that many of my significant others respond in kind with anecdotes of similar experience. And whether based in truth or fiction I have no choice but to accept their exchange as genuine.

your life is your life.
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beat the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them,
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
you life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous.
the gods wait to delight
in you.

~ charles bukowski 1993

let them go – the
truthful liars and
the false fair friends
and the boths and
neithers – you must let them go they
were born
to go

let all go – the
big small middling
tall bigger really
the biggest and all
things – let all go
dear
so comes love

~e.e. cummings

At one point today I had to close the door to my office and sit still with my eyes closed to refocus my mind and energy. Surprisingly that quiet moment lasted nearly 10 minutes. I guess I needed a break.

I’ve been wanting a break for a while. From the travel and hustle and bustle of the fall. To sit still and focus on what is important to me. To say I love you and thank you to the people in my life.

I’m so grateful to be home for an entire month. To have the weekends to start purging the boxes and piles of stuff that is suffocating my garage and closet. Tim and I are moving apartment units next month and my goal is to only move things that we have actually used in the last year. Pare down the nostalgia to one or two boxes. I’m inspired by one of my soul mate girlfriends whose goal is to always be able to pack everything that is important to her in her car.

Maybe I’ll try that.

It is interesting living in this mind space. Interacting with people who move around unaware of the impact that every breath they take puts another action in motion in the world, the universe. It may be greater, much greater, than seven degrees of separation but ultimately we are all connected.

I guarantee that you know someone in your circle of relationships who has a varied degree of connection to every major historical event in the last 10 years. 20 years. Include your grandparent’s generation, 100 years.  We are all connected. These stories, if we take time to hear them, can alter our view of the world and the reality in which we exist.

I’m fascinated with all of the people I’ve met in the last year or so. Old and new connections. Masking my shyness in new situations I often become the new friend/acquaintance/business connection that just asks questions and listens. Remaining mysterious myself yet soaking in all of the information and emotions, the energy, around me. It is oddly calming learning about other people. Realizing that we are all in this life together – unknowingly connected to everyone else. Making an impact on a life minutes, miles, years away with our words or actions or intentions.

No matter what you do you make an impact. A wave in the collective energy.

Even when you are just sitting still.

Breathing.

Not that I have a lack of things to do with my time. More like, I have things to do that I’m not particularly interested in so instead I eat. I’m feeling overwhelmed in general for no particular reason so I eat. Or I used to eat. I’ve learned that I do this almost as a form of self punishment. Eat till I feel sick so I can’t feel anything else. But since I started my fitness journey in March I’ve pushed myself to “feel and deal” rather than “nom nom to numbness”. Nom nom to numbness wasn’t quite working out because that process called digestion happened making the fullness go away then I was back to square one. Repeat square one for 365 days and in March I found myself with an extra 25 pounds of undigested anxiety and sadness.

Feel and deal isn’t a picnic either. But I’m being a lot more open and honest in my life lately. About everything. I’m a much happier person. But right now I’m hungry.

As the snow swirls around outside my office window my mind swirls with all the happening of the last 11 months. All that’s happened in the last lunar cycle. Events of the last week. I am meditating on the idea of grounding myself in daily rituals to re-establish the me in my life. I feel like I’m lost in my inner monologue. Floating through the driving, meetings, phone calls, emails, texts, tv shows, recipes that tick away the minutes of my wakefulness. Where am I in all of those moments? Sometimes the only personal touch I feel like I contribute to my days are the clothes I put on my body every morning. But even then my small wardrobe rotation is getting tired.

I would hate to fall into the category of predictable. But, right now I’m yearning for a routine greater than a shower in the morning and brushing my teeth at night. Sometimes that is enough. But lately it just isn’t.

Introducing The Only Me: Essays of Self Discovery.

This new space is not just for me. As I troll my google reader I will be inquiring other bloggers to contribute essays on the topic. Along with my own work which will be fiction, non-fiction, and based on my version of reality I hope to create a community of people who are not afraid to look at themselves and be honest.

Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be, because
sooner or later, if you are posing, you will forget the pose, and then where are
you?  ~Fanny Brice

]]> http://throughlalaslashes.wordpress.com/2011/09/14/a-new-venture/feed/ 0 lalagt http://throughlalaslashes.wordpress.com/2011/08/24/melty-mindbender/ http://throughlalaslashes.wordpress.com/2011/08/24/melty-mindbender/#comments Wed, 24 Aug 2011 17:36:38 +0000 lalagt http://throughlalaslashes.wordpress.com/?p=1361 ]]> Have you ever tried to not think about anything? Literally have a blank mind?

I try to do this during my Wednesday night yoga class. However, even when striving to not think about anything I have to count my breaths just to distract myself from thinking. But eventually during meditation, without realizing, I stop counting my breaths and I’m in fact not thinking about anything. My body feels like it is sinking into the ground…I feel melty. It is a short-lived sensation. The longest I’ve been able to maintain the melty meditation is around 4 minutes.

I think about mediation daily. Make deals with myself to do it more often. But it just hasn’t happened yet.

My 6 day a week workouts have become the closest thing to regular mediation in my life. However, I often cling to my fitness regimen like a drunk clings to the bottle. It is more medication than meditation. I do some of my best self-therapy thinking while working out…defeating the purpose of blank mind meditation.

Maybe I need to take a class.

One more thing in my schedule…

There is a constant battle between me-time and the ‘effort to not be a loner introvert’ time – aka networking/overachiever volunteerism. I seem to be struggling with a balance for these two self-imposed commitments.

It seems I have some running then meditating to do.

I’ll get around to it, right?